Finding Him even in the doubting...

Seems I should be writing about Advent or the holidays or some other festive seasonal details.  Yet, today my heart is focused on a different season I'm in.

a season of searching.....soul searching, truth searching, God searching. 

a season to turn over a new leaf. {I was barely keeping my head above water and just about missed our beautiful fall around here! So thankful for the changing of the leaves and the picture it gives us of God's way in our lives!}

Lately, it has been a challenging season of doubting for me and I'm pretty fed up with it and ready to leave it behind! And the few times I have confessed that, it sounds so foreign or strange.  WHY in the world would I be doubting? WHAT am I doubting?

But, if I'm going to be honest with myself and with God, I have to confess that little fact. I was doubting Him….doubting His Word. 

Basically, in a nutshell....I found myself in some on-going, major stressful situations in which some good old self-defense and protection mechanisms kicked in….mentally retreating, trying to take control myself, putting up the walls between me and God, questioning everything He said in His Word….which is all downright ridiculous.  I mean, we humans just really don't make sense a lot of the time.  It's amazing what we do in our flesh. ..what we rationalize will figuratively "keep us safe" or help the circumstances.  {So, don't beat yourself up for those bad choices you may be reeling about.  You are not alone! Thankfully, in our weakness, His strength can be perfected!}

And because that all seemed to be the perfect time to dig up my past, in the midst of it all, at the end of a horrible day actually, I sat down and began writing out "my story." Seriously now, that's just not smart from an objective viewpoint, now is it?  But, I felt God telling me to do it….that it would help me in healing from what I was currently struggling in.  So, I did.  I began writing about a month ago.

and it did help….it helped me identify some important details. It was healthy to start wading through some truths I had just swept aside before.

However, it seemed that as some of the walls started coming down, others started going up as I began to fear facing the journey. And it got worse. Every day was a mess. My desire for control actually sent me out of control.

But, then the brokenness came. I just could not go on struggling like that.  I was so distant.  God felt so distant.  I felt I could see Him, but couldn't go toward Him.  and I hated it.

A good long conversation with Matt then helped me voice those thoughts and struggles and helped me make sense of how it all seemed to have come about through the stress, influencing factors and my reactions to it all….

It's in those weak times of brokenness, that God often reveals major truths to us, which are able to set us free from the bondage we have found ourselves trapped in.  We are so vulnerable, desperate to listen.  So....He speaks.

With the doubting being the root of it all, I realized exactly how I was questioning everything and was able to pinpoint it was like Satan tempting Eve…

Did God really say that??  Surely that's not what He meant….

and that's exactly what has been going on in my heart and mind for months now.  He is a sly temptor and the father of all lies, and it's sad how we don't even recognize it many times.

That coupled with my annoying ability to over analyze everything and my undeniable desire to know WHY and HOW everything works, and that I've always been one to trust reluctantly.….well, that is just not a good combination when trying to cling to a supernatural God whose Truth is basically, seemingly too good to be true.

Thankfully, God, in His mercy continued to call me to Him, helping me find the truths. Reminding me to draw near to Himself.

I realized I wasn't clinging to His truths because I was leery of them.  I wasn't confident in some of the very ones I needed so badly during the stressful times I was facing...and I was falling to my flesh.

So, I've begun to sit down and tear into the truths I question.....digging for the promises and truths of His character I know are there.  Learning them over for my own sake and my own conscience.  passages that seem so simple to grasp, yet I remained confused instead of confident in them because maybe they were deeper than they seemed or had minor details I didn't catch.  It's a beautiful thing to sit down and meditate until He reveals it so clearly.  frustrating sometimes, yet beautiful.


I happened to come across this from Mici Magazine's Instagram feed during it all….

"For a seed to achieve its great expression, it must come completely undone.  The shell cracks, and everything that is within is vulnerable and exposed - only then can everything change. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it could look like complete destruction…But to the Master artist, the Gardner Himself - it's just the beginning."
and this is where I find myself these days…in the complete, raw vulnerability.  It's tempting to fear it. to run from it. to ignore it.  yet, I want to be brave. brave to trust. brave to believe like a child. brave to draw near to Him instead of foolishly thinking I'm safer in my own arms.

and while writing at the coffee shop, I thought perhaps Wonder Woman would remind me to brave.  She may just be my newly designated mug there.

Anyway, I guess this is basically the start to me sharing my story, which will be like a little series….and this shows why it's a slow journey for me.  It's hard.  and I'm processing as I go.
but it's finally started….leave it to me to begin this year knowing I would write it all out, and it's now the middle of December. geez. nevertheless, it's done….well, it's begun...
and coming very soon. :)


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